I’m like a teenager in that I always leave a trail of stuff behind me, whether it’s empty teacups or records not put back in their sleeves – just stuff in piles everywhere that never gets dealt with. So I reckon I’d have a massive tidy-up. I’d do all the DIY stuff that I’ve been promising to do for the last couple of years – I’d put the shelf back up in the bedroom, fill the hole in the wall in the landing, and I might mow the lawn if the weather’s alright… Basically all the stuff that annoys my wife I’d deal with, so I can make sure my legacy wasn’t a load of mess and unfinished jobs. Oh, and I’d take some prawns out of the freezer as well.

I would obviously be in a good place chemically, the synapses would be content. I would play with my kids. I don’t think I would have time to watch anything by Ingmar Bergman. Bergman would suddenly feel like not that good a director if I only had a few hours.

I would like to have read all the novels of Charles Dickens. My dad always said he was the best novelist in the English language, and I think I should work out if he was right or not. He usually was right about those things.

Primping mostly. It’s Sophia Loren! So I would clean up a bit and the first thing I would check are my toenails. I would have a full shave and make sure I had moisturised everywhere. Of course I’d make sure I smell nice too, but not overly perfumed. I think after cleaning and steaming and bathing and primping, I would like to do a bit of exercise – or maybe the steam bath would be enough – to bring out my natural body odour, that fresh, manly scent.

I really like the idea of a gravestone inscription that would scare someone. I would probably put "I'm going to follow you home and watch you sleep".