To my daughter, because she felt that I spent too much time saving other children. I would go to war zones and travel the world for human rights work, and she was missing me.

Dozens of women – I think you’ll figure out why.

To kids I bullied in school. I have apologised and I will continue to. To repay those things karmically, I will watch my kids’ hearts like a hawk for signs of hardening or any distortions of empathy that they might develop.

My mother, because I didn’t appreciate how proud she was of me being deputy prime minister. She ended up doing more press than me, and I was too sensitive and reacted.

My daughter Dolly singing Your Song by Elton John when she was 11. I was filming and the filming is pathetic because you can tell I’m just wobbling with tears. I want everyone to cry at my funeral, including my daughter.

I’ve never been entirely happy, although for about 45 seconds after David Platt scored the winning goal against Belgium in the World Cup in 1990, I kind of blacked out with joy.

The comedian Norm Macdonald. He’s the funniest man in the world, but so committed to being funny, he’s continually screwing up his career.

I cry a lot. Especially on planes. What is that about? On a plane, I’ll be in floods at The Good Dinosaur.

A spreadsheet that, taking into account all other people’s experiences, makes it absolutely clear that I do have enough sex.