Being on the cover of a magazine at 18 with the slogan: “Did she ruin The Godfather?”

I remember being a teenager and writing this romantic short story in the style of the Brontës on a computer and I didn’t realise that the person whose computer it was could just print it out. A group of boys had a couple of pages and they were all reading it.

Sending a text meant for my wife to Dara O'Briain by mistake, revealing myself to be a control freak.

Eight or nine years ago, I disgraced myself in the Japanese ambassador’s home in Dublin, at a celebration for my late mother-in-law’s book about living in Japan. Afterwards, when I had to apologise, she told me it was the worst night of her life and, because I was drunk enough not to remember the details, it will never not be the most embarrassing night of my life. People are filling in details even now – “Remember when you fell under the table during the first course?”

Somebody wrote that my voice was more numbing than novocaine.

Turning on the news.

Uncontrollable, wonderful.

Nothing. I love getting old – I love the freedom it allows you.

When I was little, a couple of rapes took place in Glasgow. I remember my mum saying to walk in the middle of the pavement, and to this day I am very conscious of where I am.

Feeling so helpless. You feel that governments should be making better choices; people are speaking out and nothing seems to be done about it.