I was once walking through Edinburgh with someone in the industry. I was quite drunk and I slowly wet myself.

I did a corporate gig early in my career, and they opened the buffet in the middle of my set and everybody left.

I was doing a photoshoot right after an awards show and I was talking about someone whose makeup I really didn’t like. I said: “She’s gorgeous, I don’t understand how a makeup artist could encourage that?” And the makeup artist on the photoshoot said: “I did her makeup.”

An earthquake in Peru forced me and a young man into the street, where he had to introduce me to his family at three in the morning.

A lot of awful gigs. You can’t become a successful comedian without dying on your arse more times than you can remember.

I was thrown out of a club by bouncers when I walked into somebody and told them that I was registered blind. They said: “Don’t give a fuck – you don’t belong in here.” As a straight white man, it gives you a taste of what other people have to contend with.

To Kill a Mockingbird – I was meant to read it for an exam and I didn’t and I cheated. I was allowed to use a laptop to type my answers because I couldn’t see my writing, so I hid an electronic copy of the book on the laptop.

I’m judgmental.

Hard-working, resilient, irritating.

Loud and noisy.