Maybe That’s Your Problem, a musical about premature ejaculation. It closed after only 18 performances.

I worked in the largest pork pie factory in Europe. I had a plastic mushroom-shaped thing and had to tamp down the meat into the pie base. It was a conveyor belt of pies from nine to five. The worst thing was the crackly AM radio, which was played loudly through the tinny tannoy system. I still can’t listen to I’m Not In Love by 10cc without thinking of raw minced pork.

For two weeks I worked behind the players’ bar at Bolton Wanderers football club – footballers don’t tip.

Cleaning around the feet of John Malkovich with industrial carpet cleaner while he was trying to learn lines in the foyer of a theatre.

“Unfortunately, Michael, I don’t think you’re ever going to work in the acting profession until you’re about 40, and then it’ll only be in minor character roles.” Drama teacher at Guildford School of Acting.

My dogs. They didn’t cost that much to buy, but I’ve been paying for them since. We’ve two Tibetan terriers, Danny and Wilbur.

The best of times, the worst of times.

During the technical rehearsal of Aspects of Love in 1989. They told me it would be discreetly lit because I was paranoid about being in just my pants. I walked on and every spotlight in the building followed me round the stage.

My first summer working, in 1984. I’d come out of drama school, I’d landed a job that got me an Equity card doing Godspell in Aberystwyth – and it was just unmitigated joy.

Watching Long Lost Family on telly.